she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My penis needs a shock collar
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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