saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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