he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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