OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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