the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
