guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
