Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i used baking grease as lip gloss
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
