Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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