I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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