I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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