I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you never un-have a 4some
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
