seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
