C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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