So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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