this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
