By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
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I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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