So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
