I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
