awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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