Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Someone shattered a urinal.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
