babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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