your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
