Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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