at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
