yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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