dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
