so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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