Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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