Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
