I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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