i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
