Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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