The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
