at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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