Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
