why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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