Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
