I'm going to jail i love you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
