we have officially lost it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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