I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
