I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
