So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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