i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i believe in u and ur pee
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
