Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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