I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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