You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
