I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
