this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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