Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
