Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
