I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
