He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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