if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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