theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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